When who you are is what you are

This morning I cannot resist writing about Jack Kerouac the man and Jack Kerouac the writer.  He’s been read and romanticized for decades now, but I have to put my two cents into the mix.   I read On the Road years ago, and I didn’t understand it, but recently I read Dharma Bums and then a biography of Kerouac written by Gerald Nicosia called Memory Babe.  Last night I just cracked open the original scroll of On the Road.

In terms of work, the subject of my blog, Kerouac was a dedicated writer.  He felt compelled to live, feel, and respond, to be a conduit for expression of emotion and the grappling of his generation instigated by the atomic age and paranoia around communism.  He also felt a need to write in an honest and personal way, expressing his experience in the moment as an art in itself; he needed to create new forms of literary expression to respond to the world around him and record his search for meaning.  I am inspired by people so driven as artists to grapple, learn, express, to feel and respond to beauty and mortality. An artist in temperament and vocation, Kerouac’s work was to be a conduit for life.

The thing is, his way of being and working required an extraordinary openness and vulnerability and honesty, and he drank a lot to cope.  Maybe he drank a lot to numb out and hide.  I can’t speak to that.  What I respond to is his sensibility and honesty, his friendships and development as a man of ideas and art.  I believe in his biographer Nicosia’s perspective here:

How he was in life and work:

“He was observing a complete fidelity to the moment, changing colors like a litmus as impressions flowed through him, simply registering everything, and, like Whitman, unafraid to contradict himself.”

The difficulty in his life and work:

“He was able to resolve nothing because he was speaking directly from a genius whose locus was outside his personality—a genius that might be triangulated somewhere between Riviera du Loup, Hollywood, and heaven.  He was a hillbilly scholar and a hokey saint, with Japanese mezzotints and works by El Greco, Rouault, Picasso, Van Gogh, Rousseau, and Gauguin sharing his bedroom walls with little pictures of the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph and the crucifix above the bed.  He was determined to blast out from his very heart all the garbage of his age, the processed shit with which fifties American was stuffed like a Christmas turkey—even if much of the time he was flipping or weeping, really weeping—and to give his tortured and grappling nation a voice, even though the job would kill him; and knowing that, he had taken it on anyway, and there was no reforming him now.”

What I want to say is that Kerouac represents the artist to me, a role and calling that has always spoken to me.  And this immensely gifted, very complicated man pointed so strongly to life and death:  He does not let us forget either, challenging us to not hide behind convention or routine or fear but to acknowledge how we feel.  He worked with discipline, with heart.  He read and experienced and wrote.  He loved and attempted to paint pictures of characters bursting with life and confronting a world that didn’t understand them, like Neal Cassidy.  He responded to loss; he responded to the disillusionment of his time; and he wrote.  At the same time he knew, as Nicosia wrote, that putting oneself in the role of great American Writer, such a role was a “shuck,” a fraud.

He was torn by contradiction, felt the pain of his vulnerability and loss of love and optimism, possessed a keen awareness of mortality and a belief that artists must suffer.  He did not have a regular home life, perhaps fearing that such a condition would deaden the artist in him.  And still he loved and experiment, reflected and WROTE.

I can’t think of anyone more dedicated to his vocation, anyone who had more congruency between who he was and what he was.  He did directly grapple with issues of identity, self-worth, and vocation, and ultimately, religious questions.  As Nicosia writes, he and other Beat writers took on the spiritual task of “ransoming the nation:”

“Both the beat and the beatific get their revelations from intuition. Both are pushed beyond the limits of the physical and the rational by the horrors of suffering and death.  In the case of the Beats, the urgency of vision was poignant with their sense that America had lost its soul.  Their homeland was being sold to the colossus of industrial materialism.  The holiness in America had been beaten down and covered over.  It could be ransomed, Jack believed, only by people who had learned to speak not of themselves but from themselves, who had learned to tap those deep sources that are the fount of all religion.  This was why he wrote as he did, in the very same manner as St. John of the Cross had written for the salvation of his fellow men.  ‘When God speaks,’ Jack told Gioscia, ‘just take it down.’”

Man.  What a calling.  What a way to live and work.  I almost understand why he drank the way he did.

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Living and Dying

ImageI’ve been away from this blog for awhile:  First, I was off to DC to greet family, then home in time to say goodbye to a friend.  My yoga teacher.  I had not seen her since January when she was diagnosed with cancer, and I didn’t get to see her before she died.  I am just one of many fans, but I feel the loss keenly.

Most of us only knew Wendy as a strong, vibrant presence at the yoga studio, and now she is gone, killed by cancer at 51.  Some deaths don’t make sense to our human minds, and this one in particular challenges our beliefs and expectations.

Alive as only someone who is embodied and mindful can be, Wendy taught us basic and profound wisdom about being human.  How to notice the sensations within us, how to move with awareness, how to be alive in the moment, sensitive to our energy and engaging it, living it, with wisdom.  After her classes I felt enlivened, inspired to get home and dance, exploring movement and expressing deep joy.  I was more present with others; I relished the moments, I knew better how to live my afternoon, my week.  Now Wendy teaches me in death.

It is a startling contrast, at least it feels so now, as I struggle with the reality of her suffering and her physical end, or shall we say transformation?  I am still reeling, but when I settle I consider how I want to live my days.  This loss brings some things into clear focus, those things that feel worth pursuing; it  seems to obscure others that I must let go of.   My work path seems clearer.  Already I am inclined to less analysis and talk, more knowing and doing.

I make arrangements–quit a couple of my yoga classes and seek a studio to teach in.  Sign up for those writing classes and start studying digital journalism.  Contact a teacher who combines my loves of yoga and hakomi.  Check in with me in a couple of weeks, and I’ll tell you how I’m doing.  It is not a desperation I feel, but desire.  To develop my skills and communicate about somatic approaches to changing consciousness.

I think of the grace Wendy brought to her work as a teacher and studio director.  Keep things simple, look people in the eye, remember their names and treat them with respect.  Clean business practices, plenty of kindness. I learned from her how a good teacher (of any kind) helps others engage more fully with life.  Those of us who studied with her will teach others what she has taught us, maybe not through yoga, but through being more embodied, more alive, more divinely inspired, and a little less afraid of death.

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